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climbthehill

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Jun. 2nd, 2009 | 10:38 pm

Alright, here's the thing about this year's E3.

Last year's E3 was so unspeakably terrible that it couldn't have gotten any worse. E3 2008 was the worst video game-related expo that I can remember.

With that in mind, be glad that all three major competitors announced games. Like, real games.

I've heard the most braintarded complaints about the conferences in the hours since Sony's ended today. Here's some of the highlights.

Microsoft

-Natal is gimmicky!

So is the wiimote. This kind of shit isn't meant to appeal to you, it's meant to appeal to soccer moms and old people. It's for selling consoles.

-Milo looks boring! It's not even really a game!

You're right. It's a tech demo for Natal, dingbat.

-That new Metal Gear looks lame!

...

What? Did you see a gameplay video somewhere? They didn't even talk about how it plays. There aren't even any screenshots. God, you're an idiot.


Nintendo

-Nintendo is just rehashing their old games!

Uh. Okay, I don't know where to start.

First of all, the main target of this complaint is probably Super Mario Galaxy 2. The funny thing about that is, saying it about that game implies that there have been significant changes to each 3D Mario game. I hate to break it to you, but there hasn't. Just because you tack a subtitle onto a sequel doesn't mean the game is radically different from the last one. Sunshine played exactly like Mario 64, with a couple moves replaced with F.L.U.D.D. functions. Aside from that small change, which resulted in very little departure from the feel of the game or its structure, there wasn't much of a difference between them aside from the graphics and the setting.

Galaxy was another step up from Sunshine, but you know what? Mario still controls exactly the same as he did on the N64. The structure of the game is still nearly identical -- you collect big shiny objects from isolated worlds connected to a single hub world. Super Mario Galaxy was unique because of the way it explored the concept of gravity and spherical worlds, not because the gameplay itself was changed. Moreover, there's a lot more to explore there -- it's only natural that they'd want to make a sequel when they feel they didn't fully explore the central concept of the original game.

It's not like there's no new features in Galaxy 2. There will be: we've already seen Yoshi and that crazy drill thing, and there's sure to be a ton more where that came from. In effect, Galaxy 2 is just as relevant as an entirely "new" 3D Mario title is. It's going to take a step up from Galaxy, just like Galaxy did from Sunshine and Sunshine did from 64. Too many people put too much stock in what a subtitle means. Learn to think.

If someone out there is actually saying this about the new Metroid: uh, no. Watch the trailer -- no Metroid game... or game at all, really, looks or plays like that. It's being co-developed by Team Ninja, for christ's sake.

-No one cares about New Super Mario Bros.!

Obviously someone does, considering it's the second-highest selling DS game in the world. Considering the DS is also the highest selling console in the world, that's saying quite a bit.

It was a fun game. Playing it with friends seems like it would also be fun. If nothing else, it's an interesting experiment. You don't have to play it co-op if that's not your thing. Either way, it makes all the business sense in the world to make a Wii sequel. Money in the bank for Nintendo; if you don't like it, don't play it. Not that you have, which means any complaint you have is null and void. Hurr.

-What the hell is Golden Sun anyway?

You missed out on the two best handheld RPGs ever created. Go educate yourself.

-THERE WAS NO CONSOLE ZELDA WHAT THE FUCK AHHH

I KNOW, MAN. Shigeru Miyamoto said that it is coming, though, and that he plans to announce it formally next year. Be patient. Zelda always takes a while -- that's why its quality is so consistent.

Sony

-Final Fantasy XIV is an online game?! Why ;_______;

Oh shut up. The number next to the game doesn't mean anything. Yeah, FFXI probably should have been called FF Online. FFXIV should probably be called FF Online 2. They're not, but it also doesn't matter. If you think this is going to make FFXV or whatever come out later than it was already going to, you're sorely mistaken. The teams that work on the main series and the online games are completely different -- they work on games simultaneously.

If you're one of the people who wants to hate on it because it's cool to hate on Square-Enix's MMOs: you're about three years late to the party. FFXI, for the most part, is a pretty good game now. It still has drop rate issues and two boss enemies that are near impossible to kill, but overall it's not a bad way to waste time. You can use that time more efficiently in WoW, but if you're one of those people who can't stand WoW's art style or something, FFXI is fine.

The FFXI team has learned from their mistakes, and if they keep that knowledge in mind, FFXIV will actually be good from the get-go. If.

That's actually the only real complaint I heard from Sony's conference... that I can remember, anyway. Sony's lineup is rock solid.

In summary: The people who believe any of this shit need a tall glass of shut the fuck up and stop trying to menstruate all over games other people will enjoy.

-Jibril | blogspot

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Comments {7}

Rhody Tobin

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from: roto13
date: Jun. 3rd, 2009 05:52 am (UTC)
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Milo is for pedophiles. :P

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Rhody Tobin

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from: roto13
date: Jun. 3rd, 2009 05:57 am (UTC)
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"BAD TOUCH! STRANGER DANGER!"

Except he can't run anywhere because he's trapped in your TV. :P

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Rhody Tobin

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from: roto13
date: Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:02 am (UTC)
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I can think of a pretty annoying problem from Sony's press conference. $250 for a PSP Go. $80 more for 16 gigs of flash memory and a smaller size. The lack of a UMD drive and a smaller screen aside, I was planning to buy one, but not for that price.

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Rhody Tobin

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from: roto13
date: Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:07 am (UTC)
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Digital distribution is great, as evidenced by the fact that nobody buys CD players any more. :P I think it's a great idea for handhelds, being able to take a ton of games with you without having to carry around UMDs (or game cards or cartridges or whatever). But I'm not paying extra for what essentially amounts to less functionality.

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Rhody Tobin

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from: roto13
date: Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:13 am (UTC)
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If it had a UMD drive it'd still be $250. :P

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Rhody Tobin

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from: roto13
date: Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:16 am (UTC)
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Apparently you'll be able to take your UMDs to certain stores and have them ripped or something like that.

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Stu

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from: hardkoremagraw
date: Jun. 3rd, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
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I have to admit I was pretty impressed with Microsofts conference. The only thing in the Sony one that I liked was Uncharted 2, which looks shitmypants good. Haven't watched the Nintendo one yet, so I can't really comment on it.

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